Top 11 Worst Geeky Movie Sequels That You Should Never Show Your Kid

mr freeze

The year was 1999.

My cousin and I were both wide-eyed, pimply high school Freshman, trying to figure out what to do with ourselves on a muggy Spring day in Manhattan.

“I hear there’s some cool sci-fi movie out. Let’s go see it. AC, yo,” my cousin suggested.

“What’s it called?”

“Umm…”, he thumbed through the newspaper. “The Matrix.” Our lives, and those of our generation, were forever changed.

4 years later, I saved myself the horror and agony of watching The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions. You could feel impending doom. The wonder & amazement & downright epicness of The Matrix could never be recreated.

Hopeful, I was. Foolish, I wasn’t. To this day, I still have not watched more than 10 minutes of either sequels. And I’m a better Geek for it.

When the time comes for my little ones to marvel at The Matrix for the first time, I will have them sign an oath, declaring that they will never watch either sequel, or they’ll be damned to the depths of Mordor.

The Oath of Not Watching These Awful Geeky Movie Sequels

In order to protect my children from the awful Hollywood slime, I have created the following oath. I hope you’ll download it and use it for them to swear by, and allow them to forever enjoy the wonders of Hollywood originals and not have their brain tainted by the money grubbing sequels.

The Oath

I swear, by The Force invested in me, to never watch these God awful sequels. My parents are showing me the originals, and for that I am grateful. But because they Love Me So, they are showing the utmost care and love by having me swear to never watch these stains on humanity sequels.

If I do watch more than 15 minutes of any of these sequels, I promise to come crawling back and apologize and tell them, “You were right.”.

Child’s Signature: ______________

Date: _____________

Parent’s Signature: ______________

Date: _____________

The 11 Absolute Worst Movie Sequels to Never Allow Geeky Kids to Watch

11. X-Men 3: The Last Stand (2006)

Director: Brett Ratner

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Patrick Stewart

x men 3 movie poster

The Original X-Men movie started the next generation of Superhero movies: Gritty, dark and loaded with special effects. In many ways, X-Men Origins helped the next generation fall in love with the superheroes we grew up knowing and loving through Saturday morning cartoons and freshly sealed comic books.

When Juggernaut was announced to be featured in The Last Stand, every Geek shook in excitement. Add in Night Crawler & Beast and OMGZ EPICZZZ.

Unfortunately, Epic Fail.

I’m not even sure if it’s sad or humorous that the most entertaining part of the movie was a caricature of the best X-Men villain:

Worst scene: The climax of Wolverine & The Dark Phoenix says it all. Awful graphics, awful acting, awful movie:

10. Blade Trinity (2004)

Director: David Goyer

Starring: Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel, Kris Kristofferson, Ryan Reynolds

blade trinity movie poster

Sure. The third Blade isn’t atrocious, but when you have two films that are so dazzling in terms of character development, fight scenes and plot and then poop this into our eyeballs, we justifiably get a little upset.

On paper and in reality, Blade is one of the most badass superheros ever. He’s a vampire hunter that’s immune to vampires. And similar to Terminator 1 and Terminator 2, Blade 1 and Blade 2 took drastically different approaches. Original: Action with a dark, serious tone. Numero dos was Guillermo Del Torro’s vision of a hardcore, hollywood action flick.

Sadly, numero tres fails on every account. While Wesley Snipes was phenomenal,  there was no real villain. How the hell can you enjoy a superhero movie without a true villain?

Worst scene? Blade Trinity becomes a WWE match with Ryan Reynolds and Triple H.

9. RoboCop 3 (1993)

Director: Fred Dekker

Starring: Robert John Burke, Mario Machado, Remy Ryan & Nancy Allen

robocop 3 movie poster

OMG. RoboCrap–I mean, Cop–is so ridiculously awful. The concept of RoboCop was super cool. The execution of the first 2 was flawless. And then you get this disastrous pile of feces.

You know how there are some movies that are so awful you can enjoy them as a comedy? Mars Attacks, comes to mind for me. RoboCop 3 is  well beyond that threshold. Prevent your kid from watching at all costs.

Worst scene: Hard to pick just one disastrous scene from this trainwreck. Here’s one, with a box of clearly labeled explosives in a police station, that is at least partially humorous:

8. Batman & Robin (1997)

Director: Joel Schumacher

Starring: George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris O’Donnel, Alicia Silverstone

batman and robin movie poster

Why, George, why?!

I get it: You’re a P.I.M.P. and playing Batman is the ultimate role for ya. But didn’t you at least read the script?

I remember watching this atrocity while having the flu in 6th grade. I puked a lot. And not sure if it was due to the disgusting script, laughable effects, or Arnold’s joining of The Blue Man Group.

At least Alicia Silverstone looked great.

Worst Scene: Everytime Arnold spoke:

7. Honey, I Blew Up The Kid (1992)

Director: Randy Kleiser

Starring: Ricky Moranis, Marcia Strassman, Robert Oliveri, Daniel Shalikar

honey i blew up the kid poster

What do you get when you cross-breed Ghostbusters II’s Marshmallow Man & King Kong? This.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids had everything going for it to be enshrined in Geekdom: A geeky dad, inventing a geeky laser, shrinking his kids to the size of ants and having them explore the bug world.

And bugs are vicious MoFos.

This movie makes you glad the early 90s are long gone.

Worst scene: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star…

6. The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

Director: Steven Spielberg

Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Arliss Howard, Vince Vaughn

lost world movie poster

Normally, Steven Spielberg has better business sense. He knows when to abandon ship: Namely, before a sequel. Heck, he didn’t even direct Jaws 2.

Not sure what got into him this time. Maybe he had so much fun directing the first that he wanted to relive it for old time’s sake. And that’s generally why sequels are made (well, that and the cash).

I was in 4th grade in 1993. I remember sitting around at my buddy Tommy’s house, trying to convince his mom to let him see Jurassic Park with me. She wouldn’t budge.

Nothing can replicate the terror of the car scene. The water rippling with every distant T-Rex step.

And unfortunately, even with Spielberg behind the camera, The Lost World fails to resurrect the magic, astonishment and terror that the original dinosaur resurrection flick did.

Worst Scene: T-Rex rampages through San Diego:

5. Son of the Mask (2005)

Director: Lawrence Guterman

Starring: Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming, Liam Falconer

son of the mask movie poster

Yes, you read that correctly: The Mask 2 fails to feature Jim Carrey.

Sure, the original had a geeky protaganist, a smoking hot Cameron Diaz and a great story. But what made the film was Mr. Carrey. Why, oh why, would anyone think it was a good idea to ruin the piss in your pants funniness of The Mask?

Once again: Money. Teach your Geeks well, parents: Money is well and good, but don’t let it ruin things you love, like humor.

Worst Scene: I don’t know. I avoided this movie at all costs. Here’s the trailer instead:

4. Planet of the Apes (2001)

Director: Tim Burton

Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter

planet of the apes movie poster

Gotta admit: Love the cast. Love the director. Trying to re-make one of the quintessential Science Fiction flicks of the Cold War Era? Why, oh why?!

Campy, clumsy, nonsensical plot. Dave Edelstein of Slate hits it on the head:

Offers proof of Hollywood’s simian instincts: Monkey see old hit, monkey do remake. – Dave Edelstein

Show your kids the original. Even though we’re far from The Cold War, being in a post-9/11 world with the semi-real threat of Nuclear Terrorism makes it so they will still appreciate the ending.

Worst scene: The disastrous ending. How dare Burton and Company try to one-up the original?! …

You know what? Instead of treating this film with an ounce of respect by showing you this clip, let’s just take a moment, pour ourselves a Toddy and enjoy the REAL ending:

3. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Director: Jonathan Mostow

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Nick Stahl, Claire Danes

terminator 3 movie poster

How on Earth do you kill off one of the most iconic, female heros of all-time by just briefly mentioning she died of Cancer?

While both sons and daughters have signed the above contract, Geeky Daughters especially should have this film withheld from their precious eyes: It’s saying that female heros are not as worthy as their male counterparts.

Could you imagine an X-Men saying Wolverine isn’t around cause he died of Multiple Sclerosis? Gimme a break.

What made the first two films so wildly successful was the following:

  1. Terminator 1 was a horror flick with a female heroine that everyone could relate with
  2. Terminator 2 was an action flick and turned that female heroine from a geeky gal into a fit, badass who had a son that every geeky parent could (kinda) relate with

Ugh. I can’t believe I just wasted this much time typing about T3.

Worst scene: Talk to the hand.

2. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)

Director: Andy & Lana Wachowski

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss

the matrix reloaded movie poster

What made the original Matrix so compelling were a few things:

  1. It came of age before CGI graphics ruined every fight scene
  2. You joined the geeky protagonist in his pill selection. His Hero’s Journey.
  3. The fight scenes felt so real and vivid that you felt the punches, kicks and blocks in NYC’s subway (one of the best fight scenes ever created)
  4. You TRAINED with Neo, LEARNED Kung Fu with him, CHUCKLED at Deja Vu.
  5. You became Neo by the end.

Outside of the plot and joining Neo on his Hero’s Journey, a plot that can never be re-captured in any sequel, what made the film so gut wrenching awesome were the fight scenes.

And while the plot had some legs to stand on in the sequel, the fight scenes were absolute garbage.

Worst Scene: Neo against 100+ Agents. PS3 games have better graphics than this.

1. Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace (1999)

Director: George Lucas

Starring: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman

star wars episode 1 fight

There are three reasons this movie was made:

  1. George Lucas’ Ego
  2. George Lucas’ Ego
  3. And George Lucas’ Bank Account

While you might be able to show your Geeky six year old this movie and they’ll enjoy it, if they’re 8 or older, please do your best to have them avoid what is inarguably the worst sequel of all time.

Plot? Non-existant.

Characters? Campy.

Action scenes? Garbage.

And by the way: How on Tatooine does a double edged Lightsabre exist 25 years before Luke was born?

Worst scene: Everything involving Jar Jar Binks

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About Perry Rosenbloom

Perry Rosenbloom is a Geeky Dad trying to raise a Geeky Son. He is the founder of GeeksRaisingGeeks and enjoys everything from killing orcs & trolls to building ergonomic workstations. When not at his Sit/Stand desk, he can be found adventuring throughout Colorado with his family.

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Comments

  1. I actually found some redemption for the Star Wars prequels when I discovered the webcomic “Darths & Droids”. If you haven’t seen this, it basically follows the chronological plot of Star Wars, taking screen captures from the movies, and rewriting the dialogue as if it were a tabletop RPG. Their take on Jar Jar is particularly amusing.

  2. Perry Rosenbloom says:

    Hahah I haven’t seen it. It’s hard for me to find redemption in the prequels via mocking it though 🙂

  3. Oh come on Honey I Blew Up the Kid was a great movie!!!

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